i feel violated.

September 4, 2008 · Filed under baby stuff, on the homefront, politics

if you watched spalin’s speech last night, i’m sure you can understand the post title. d made me watch it. we always love watching and reading and discussing politics — we started dating the week of the 2000 election and she was the only person i knew who was as obsessed as i was. she insists on saying we started dating in october of that year, putting us squarely in the clinton presidency. our first date was dinner, followed by the strdy night live prime time election special. a match made in heaven. anyway, i didn’t want to watch last night, but apparently i also didn’t want to leave the room where she was watching. we both woke up this morning with what can only be described as an rnc hangover. the speech was sheer mockery — of obama, of biden, of community organizing, of anyone voting for the dems, of everything the democratic party stands for… also a mockery of the very idea of truth. since you’re reading a lesbian mama blog, i’m guessing/assuming your values are similar to mine. but if you need more people who are on your team, and super smart, and if you want comebacks for any repub you meet, go to the huffington post.

first thing this morning, i went to obama’s website and signed up to be informed about the goings on in my swing state. i can only hope others did the same. obviously i was a clinton supporter in the primaries, but i’m someone who gets behind whatever democratic candidate is out there. and that’s where i am right now.

i’ve had two shifts back at work, and it’s been okay. it’s hard to get used to 12 hour shifts again. i frequently work 3 days in a row, but by the end of my 2nd day yesterday, my feet were hurting and my eyes were closing. i’m not working again till the weekend though, so i have lots of time with nate and lots of time to do at-home stuff and cross things off lists.  exciting things like grocery shopping and doing laundry.  travelling so much this summer really did give us an even greater appreciation of all things homey.

today nate and i went for a walk — his first time in the big fancy stroller!  he was a little surprised by the whole thing, especially when i started pushing and he could hear my voice but not see me.  then he settled in, no complaints once we got going.  we stopped by the amish farmers’ market on the corner and got what appear to be perfect peaches.  and then… well, here’s the beginning of the walk:

big boy stroller by you.

it was sunny but i wanted him to be able to see, so the baseball cap, which he tolerates okay.  when we got home and i turned the stroller around to see why he was so quiet, i learned the cap works well for a nap:

big boy stroller end of walk by you.

i swear i did not pose this pic!  i feel like i got a peek of him in 40 years, lounging by the pool.

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back to work

September 1, 2008 · Filed under me, on the homefront, politics

i’m so deeply tired, it hurts.  d feels refreshed, and i hope to get there soon.  right now i’m just… yeah, tired.

and it’s hot in philadelphia.  not hot in long island, not hot in new england.

doctor appointment on wednesday, and i’m in the kind of mood that makes me want to cancel, just to avoid getting weighed as my summer of nate seems, in retrospect, like it may also have been my summer of junk food.  and it annoys me that i even care.

and i like my job, but i miss nate so badly.  he’s so big!  and giggly and sweet and lovey.

learned today that my least favorite person at work is leaving!  this is her last week.  awesome.

and our washing machine is broken.

had a wonderful time in martha’s vineyard — pictures to be posted soon, maybe tomorrow.

and i’m stunned at sarah palin’s family values.  teenage daughter pregnant, husband dui, on the campaign trail while her 4 month old daughter with downs syndrome adjusts to the world.  some of her kids have the stupidest names around (track?  trig?).  kills animals for fun.  exploited herself for a tiara in the 1970s (and didn’t even win).  lady, keep hillary clinton’s name out of your mouth.

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keep going

August 27, 2008 · Filed under politics

If you hear the dogs, keep going.

If you see the torches in the woods, keep going.

If they’re shouting after you, keep going.

Don’t ever stop. Keep going.

If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.

- Harriet Tubman, as quoted by Hillary Clinton

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attachment parenting…

August 26, 2008 · Filed under baby stuff, books

i have been reading this book on attachment parenting, for the last few months, off and on.  overall, i’m really glad i read it.  i started reading it when we were in a pretty different place, parenting-wise.  nate was a couple of months old — and we weren’t sure when we should have him on a real schedule, whether we should worry about him sharing the bed, and lots of other stuff.  during that time, we’ve come to rely a lot on our intuition, and mostly on our understanding of him.  the book really encouraged me to value my own knowledge about my own baby, and to largely ignore people who don’t know him.

for example, we rock (actually, we jiggle) nate to sleep every night.  once pajamas are on, i sometimes read a book and rock in the glider, and then we get into bed (either he’s in ours or he’s in the co-sleeper with me on the bed).  if he’s still really awake, i talk to him for a while and then sing.  sometimes it takes one song, sometimes 2 or 3.  he lays on his side with his passy, i jiggle his tush, and he gradually falls asleep.  if he wakes up before we go to bed, one of us goes back up and jiggles him some more.  if he’s in our bed and he wakes up during the night, d always wakes up at the same time (synchronous sleeping!) and he eats, and goes back to sleep.  the bed-sharing has gotten difficult, but it’s hard to change on vacation.

i think some people would consider this a deeply flawed bedtime routine.  he never has to fall asleep alone, he never has to fall asleep without a passy (sometimes he even nurses to sleep!), he always gets some sort of rocking/jiggling to help.  it might be a difficult transition to sleeping alone, not getting jiggled… and sure, he could get reliant on his passy.  he doesn’t have a strict bedtime, either — when he acts sleepy, that’s when we put him down.  he naps anywhere from 2-4 times a day, not always the same times or even lengths of nap.

but this is working for us.  he’s a happy, serene baby.  we’re happy, mostly serene parents.  we love the whole experience.  he feels safe, secure and - here it is - very attached.  we don’t let him cry, but who knows whether that might change as he gets older and cries more for show, as bigger kids do.  for now, when he cries, he is telling us something, and we’re responding, and he’s learning that whenever he needs something he can tell us, and we’ll do our best to help.  that’s where this book has really come in for me.  it sort of sanctions what we were already doing, and gives me hope that it will make sense in the end, when he is a secure, loving, respectful, independent boy –> man.

there are a whole bunch of elements to attachment parenting, and i take it all with a grain of salt.  we don’t practice all of them the way he describes, but you can definitely pick and choose.

the book is completely heterosexually oriented.  there is not a single mention of same sex couples, and only brief mention of adoptive parents.  and the heterosexism is all over — lots of talk about how dads should also bond with the baby, and mommy this, daddy this, yada yada yada.  that got really irritating after a while, and it was no small thing for me.

i also could maybe have just read one or two chapters, and gotten the point.  but i have a hard time not finishing a book, and i didn’t want to miss anything.  i might recommend the introductory chapters with the lists of what they recommend, and even the beginning of each chapter, to get more of a sense of what each element entails.  the whole thing is somewhat repetitious by the end of the book, but good for someone like me, who has strong parenting intuition and doesn’t want to get rattled by people telling her she’s spoiling her child!

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wow.

August 25, 2008 · Filed under politics

great night for the dnc.  teddy kennedy was his usual self, which was nice to see, and michelle obama was incredible!  i think she nailed every word, every moment.  the girls were so cute at the end, they couldn’t have scripted it better.  if you didn’t watch it, go to y*utube this minute!

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jiggity jog

August 20, 2008 · Filed under baby stuff, friends and family, on the homefront

when we pulled up at the house, my dad used to always say “home again home again, jiggity jog.”  no idea where it’s from, but it’s what i think whenever we get back from a trip.  which is often these days!  we just got back this afternoon, it was an easy trip but we don’t have much down time now that we’re back.  we just had dinner with our favorite philly people, there’s a new indian restaurant in our neighborhood that we LOVE.  hung out at home for a little while with nate’s favorite aunties, and we got to see him laugh harder than he’s ever laughed before.  apparently j has a very funny face, because he was laughing like i do when i watch seinfeld.  now my stomach hurts from laughing at him laughing!

we went out for dinner last night with d’s mom and the friend whose house we borrowed for those two weeks.  we got a little dressed up, but nate was a total fashion plate:

happy family! by you.

look how dark those eyes are!  they are becoming totally brown, little by little.  not sure if you can tell in the picture, but his resemblance to d is fantastic.  i like to say it’s because she made him by herself, just for me.  not to worry, i’ll stop saying that once he understands and wants to know where he came from.

so, we’re leaving friday for another week out of town.  it’s gotten kind of crazy with the traveling, but one of the things we really wanted was to spend time with family and friends.  i was a little homesick during this last trip, mostly because this house is my very favorite place in the world.  we’ve been planning this last trip for months — friday we are going to my mom’s house overnight, then saturday to martha’s vineyard, with friends and their little girl.  i’m really excited for nate to spend time with another baby, and for us to spend time with other co-moms.  and it’s good for me to get to talk about my experience as a co-mom.  it makes a huge difference just to see people in similar roles.

i’m off to watch project runway.  what a great show.

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mind of his own

August 19, 2008 · Filed under baby stuff, on the homefront

last night nate went to bed at his usual 8pm, after his bath.  he fell asleep quickly, after a fun afternoon in the pool and lots of playing.  he slept by himself for a few hours, and we were ready to sleep at midnight.  as always, d nursed him before we went to sleep, and he just woke right up.  wide awake, talking, squealing, kicking his chubby little legs.  we’re at d’s parents’ house now, and her dad was more than happy to hang out with nate while we had a snack.  i went back to bed but couldn’t sleep, but once nate fell asleep and d brought him back to bed, annie (the dog) wouldn’t settle.  d ended up going to the other room with annie, and i dozed (just dozed!) with nate until he got hungry.  at some point d brought him back to bed, and a few hours later - at 6:30am - he was up.

all these boring details are just to say that it will be good for us to get home and have a routine again!  the real back-to-routine doesn’t happen until labor day, when we get back from martha’s vineyard and i go back to work.  we have a lot going to on in the fall, and this is feeling like the calm before the storm.  but we had a goal of figuring out a bunch of things this summer, and we’ve done that.  we’ve also been having the time of our lives, and i believe we’re laying the groundwork for a great relationship with him.

i feel so good about my relationship with nate.  i’m sure i would feel really connected to him even if i hadn’t taken maternity leave — but the way it’s worked out, i actually feel okay about going back to work.  it feels like i’m putting in so much effort early on, in order to make things easier later on.  i don’t mean easier like parenting will be a breeze when he’s eight or ten or sixteen… more like, we’re establishing a loving and trusting relationship during infancy, and one in which he feels really bonded to both of us.  the time has been good for us as a whole family, d was always of course always supportive of my connecting with nate — but this intensive family time has meant both of us learning what that actually means.  i think we’ve both become more comfortable with what each of us is “better” at, and what nate looks to each of us for.  it’s not seamless, but it’s much more fluid than it was at first, as we grow into our roles.

it’s another beautiful day!  we’re debating between beach and pool.  rough life, i know…

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august and everything after

August 18, 2008 · Filed under baby stuff

we’re in our last few days of this trip, and the weather is cooperating.  today was bright and sunny, but not tooooo hot.  nate has really started enjoying the pool, he has a carrier (see flickr pics) and at first he was hesitant – not any more!  he kicks his legs and splashes and laughs.  then when he wears out, we take off his swimming gear and wrap him in a towel and put him in the shade, he watches us swim and play.  then falls asleep.  we’ve taken him to the beach a couple of times, but then he doesn’t go in the water.  i did “stand” him at the shore, his cute little fred flinst*ne feet sank into the sand and he looked mighty surprised.

i just posted new pics on flickr, and i realized a lot of them are of nate sleeping!  he gets so exhausted here, spending a lot of time outside.  he’s sleeping pretty well, and usually taking a couple of BIG naps during the day.  and he’s growing like a weed!

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giggles

August 10, 2008 · Filed under baby stuff, me

i have to admit that i’m not taking as many pictures as i wanted to while we’re away.  but i think it’s a good thing in some ways — it’s easy to get caught up in documenting the moment, rather than living it.

nate is getting quite a little sense of humor.  he has figured out what makes me laugh, i’ve figured out what makes him laugh, we do it over and over.  back and forth, back and forth.  every day he stands up straighter and straighter when we hold him up, and yesterday he realized how impressed we were — and started puffing out his chest, so proud.

i registered to take a class this fall, which i’m excited about.  for those i don’t know personally — i finished my second bachelors last may, and have been working as a staff nurse in a medical icu since then.  i’ve taken a few classes toward my masters, which were worked into my nursing program, and now that it’s been a year, i’m ready to ease back in.  my work pays for it, and the first class i’m taking is online.  i’m dreading it, because it’s pharmacology and that was my worst subject.  but i’m getting it over with, at least!  taking it online will make it harder in some ways because i can’t just raise my hand to ask for clarification or extra help.  in terms of my schedule, though, it’s necessary, for sure.  no scheduling conflicts, and i can view the lectures on the weekends, at night, days off, whenever.  we’ll see how it goes…

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lazy days

August 6, 2008 · Filed under baby stuff, on the homefront

we’re a few days into a vacation we’ve been fantasizing about for months — more than two whole weeks in one of d’s favorite places.  it’s a pretty fancy pants spot, but we’re managing to make it our own… mostly by staying away from the “scene-y” places and walking around the modest, shady, family neighborhood where we’re staying.  last night we walked to a beach that d spent her childhood at, i loved it there.  we sat in a gazebo and read for a while.  nate was napping in the stroller and woke up only because there was the loveliest breeze.  stopped by a house where family friends live, where d spent many many days and nights as a child. 

we found a great little place to get iced coffee, so nate and i are starting to make a habit of going there in the morning and sitting on the porch in a rocking chair.  i simply couldn’t give up that tradition.

when i’m out with nate alone, i wonder sometimes about what the two of us look like.  i think there’s an assumption that i am his biological mother.  it used to really bother me, i felt like i was pretending to be something i’m not, i guess.  now, i sometimes want people to ask something that would warrant my bringing it up.  i’m not sure why, i guess i have these moods when i want to challenge people.  and then there are the people you know would be shaken up by it.  mostly, i revel in my mommy-hood, and i can’t get over the fact that i am now the person with a baby, in line at the grocery store or walking around town.  it’s almost surreal, although i guess i’m getting used to it.

nate is getting so big and strong.  he rolls from his tummy to his side, and easily from his back to his side… to his other side… back again… you get the picture.  when i pull him up by his hands, his head stay with his trunk, and he does some of the work with me.  and when i stand him up, he straightens his legs and pushes, trying to support some of his weight himself.  he makes tiny progress every day, and i watch so carefully to see every little change.  but at the same time, it seems like he learns major things overnight.

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